Saturday, August 12, 2017

Are you there, God? It's me...

So I have been struggling all week to lose as much as I did last week. Despite doing the same stuff. I even upped my workout intensity and still only lost like .2 lbs. That was what inspired the b/p day, right? Well past two days, same sh*t. Only -.2lbs both days. I ate under 200 and worked out. So, like WTF.

Well thankfully, mother nature gave me the wonderful gift of bloat and water retention. So yes, for a change, I am super pumped to have my period. Lol. It explains the crazy weight and awkward bloat/fat feeling I've had.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

x

Thursday, August 10, 2017

IT WORKED!

Phew! So glad that yesterday paid off. Woke up and weighed 228 exactly. So pumped! I did have to dodge some questions by my trainer today. Today was our last day meeting for a while and she wanted to know why I lost nearly 15 pounds in two weeks... Oops. At least I won't have any more public weigh ins for a while.

School starts next week and I'm a bit nervous about how I am going to work out all the calories just yet. I have a general guide in mind, but I'm not sure how applicable it will be. Especially since I am taking yoga this semester and have class for 4.5 hours in a row. There will definitely be coffee involved. And as much as I hate to do it, I'll have to up my calories on a few days since they will be full class/work days. 12 hour days suck; I guess that's college for you lol.

I've decided Thursdays (starting next week) will be my official b/p day. I have a set routine I do on those days and I need like three hours at least to not feel rushed. And schedule wise, Thursday afternoons works best for me. Plus, it is the best way for my body to break a plateau/week of restricting. Again, I know, not healthy. But I really don't know if I care... I don't think I do.

See before I relapsed, I was at the suicidal point again. I hate feeling like that. I know for some people, their ED makes them suicidal. But for me, my ED sets me free. It gives me something to live for, something to control, something to focus on, a way to cope with all the other crap. I NEED this right now. Which is why I'm going to do everything to hide it and to feed it (excuse the pun).

x

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Breaking my Plateau

Well, technically it wasn't a plateau because I still lost 0.2 lbs over night. But still, after restricting to 200 cals two days in a row, I expected a little more than -0.4 lbs. So I had two options today... Either fast all day (which seemed really unlikely), or give myself a binge day (which also seemed really unlikely without purging). I ended up just going all out in b/p day. All my old behaviors came back. And I hate to say it but despite my sore throat, I don't have any regrets. I started at 230.2, binged up to 233 and purged down to 228.8. Now I'm sitting around 229.6, which is right where I wanted to be by today. And I'm not starving. And I got chipotle and ice cream. Not a bad day at all.

Now I seriously recommend that YOU don't try this. That YOU find a healthier way. And I'd like to remind any haters, that this isn't about losing weight for me. It really is a control thing/coping mechanism. And tbh... I'm a little addicted to the high it gives me.

*BEGIN RANT*

I'd like to remind everyone who is trying to "become" ana or "become" mia of some of the down sides to these disorders that I experienced just in the past 4 hours:

1. I'm now extremely constipated because I fucked up my bowels from the purging. Woo!

2. My throat is so sore I can barely talk.

3. I may not be hungry anymore, but I look sick. I have dark circles under my eyes and am very pale.

4. I almost choked on my own vomit. (This is always sooooo pleasant)

5. I cried because I dropped a banana that I was going to eat.

6. I have a slight burn on my lip from the acid or spice (not sure which) from my delicious Chipotle burrito on its way back up.

7. I canceled all my plans today so I could have this b/p day. That means that I let two separate friends down.

Wow. See what fun this is!

I seriously don't understand why people want this to happen to them. I mean, I'm not trying to get better myself, so I guess I'm just a big hypocrite. But me and a lot of others are already sick. And we need each other for support. But people who seek this out? WTF is wrong with you? DO YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE?

*END RANT*

Anyways, I don't feel like complete shit, only because I lost the weight. I am worried, however, that I am going to get waaaay to addicted to purging again. It really only works for me as a plateau breaker once a week.

I really hope no one decides to read this rant lol. This is really just a more personal diary for me that I hope might help someone who finds it not feel so alone. Being alone in a world full of people and being fully aware of the feeling to the point where it is suffocating is by far one of the most dreadful feelings I've ever felt. That and no control over my own life.

Welp, I am going to wrap this up before I ramble too much.

x


Some Random Thinspo I Like...
















Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Lists, Lists, LISTS!

Here are two of my lists I've made over the past week. They help me stay on track and I thought it might be useful to anyone else who is struggling to remain in control:


My Foods List (so far)

Good Foods:
Peas*
Carrots
Broccoli* 
Watermelon
Grapes*
Raspberries
Blueberries
Strawberries
Apples
Popsicles 
Fruit Pops
Amy’s Minestrone (NOT HEARTY) & Chunky Veggie & Veggie Barley
Sol Portobello Mushroom Burger
Olives

*High Fiber

Ok Foods: 
Beans
Oats
Amy’s Organic Chili (Orange Can)
Amy’s Lentil Veggie Soup
Amy’s Southwestern Veggie Soup & Spanish Red Bean
Amy’s Tofu Scramble Pocket Sandwich
Hummus

VERY Sparingly: 
Amys Quinoa and Black Bean Bowl
Avocado
Amy’s Thai Green Curry (NOT RED)
Bananas 
Tahini
Potatoes

Bad Foods:  
Ice Cream 
Pizza

Fear Foods: 
Peanut Butter 
Any kind of nut butter actually
Rice

Pasta


Rules: 
  1. No BINGING! 
  2. If you feel like binging: 
    1. count to 50 slowly. 
    2. Chug water. 
    3. Slowly eat an apple or carrots. 
    4. Write down all the reasons you want to be thin.
    5. Look at cute clothes. 
  3. No eating after 7pm. 
  4. No eating before 7am. 
  5. Gum, Gum, GUM!
  6. When eating: 
    1. chew at least 10 times. 
    2. Always put silverware down between bites. 
    3. In this order: Veggies, Protein, Starch, Then Fruit/Sweets
  7. Always plan food the day before. 
    1. Can change it up as long as you stay in calorie goal.
  8. Weigh every morning. Measure every sunday morning. 
  9. No eating out with friends. 
    1. If it is required: Eat something small before and LIE you ate already. 
  10. No talking about with others:
    1. Food 
    2. Weight
    3. Hunger
  11. Give fat clothes away as soon as you don’t need them. 
    1. Buy similar clothes to avoid suspicious looks
  12. Do not eat anything you do not the exact amount of calories in.
  13. No purging unless over 800 cals. 
    1. Seriously, soup is not worth throwing up. 
  14. Exercise everyday. 
    1. Yoga
    2. Stretching
    3. 30 min walk
    4. ANYTHING! 
  15. Always carry a book for distraction
    1. Studying also falls under this
  16. NO ASPARTAME. 
    1. That shit is cancer and gives migraines 

Monday, August 7, 2017

Down the Relapse Rabbit Hole

Hello again!

(TRIGGER WARNING)

I realize no one probably reads my blog anymore since it has been a few years since I posted on here. I actually got better... for a while. But last week shit hit the fan. Family stress piled on top of school stress piled on top of my work stress overwhelmed me. And I sort of... just... broke.

It started last Monday when my mom and I had a huge argument. For those of you who don't know/remember: she has Borderline Personality Disorder. She was in one of her moods last week where literally EVERYTHING I do is wrong. Long story, short -- she wanted me to do something that I physically couldn't do in the amount of time she demanded. So she threatened me with everything she possibly could. When I went to defend myself, it only made things worse. I gave in and found another solution to her demand and took care of it. But she still wasn't happy! Shocker, I know. We ended up in another argument and (having had heart problems in the past) she pulled the "You're going to kill me, you know that. You ungrateful, spoiled child. You're going to give me a heart attack!" card. She went to bed and I was left to deal with all the emotions that had just been brought to the surface.

For anyone who has cut in the past, you will know the feeling I'm about to describe: A painful urge that builds and builds until you think you are going to explode. I ran down to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and slowly cut along the inside of my arm just small enough to relieve the pressure. It's a sensational feeling when you haven't done it so long. I was shocked at how much I enjoyed it and it was hard for me to believe I ever gave it up. Cutting always did one of two things for me: either gave me the control I needed to relieve the pressure of the emotions building up, or it made me feel when I couldn't feel anything anymore. My arms are covered in different kinds of cuts. The angry, thick cuts from when I needed release. And the thin, precise cuts from when I wanted to feel.

I went to bed feeling like a failure. How could I do something so awful to myself after I promised myself I never again would? Yet, at the same time I kept thinking of how great it felt to have just a microscopic amount of control in my life and in the world. I fell asleep hoping that, by tomorrow morning, I might somehow be magically better.

I was wrong.

When I woke up Tuesday, I didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late. I skipped breakfast and when lunch rolled around I skipped that too. Dinner was 175 cals of potatoes and romaine. I was hungry. And it felt great. My ED has always been in my subconscious, silently waiting to come out and "help" me when I need it. By Wednesday morning, I was in full blown restricting mode again. 300 cals a day or less. I had safe foods, ok foods, bad foods, and fear foods all written out again. The calculator that lay dormant in my head these past few years, shook off the dust and began to work its magic. Medium apple (72).  Medium russet potato (168). 5 Baby carrots (20). 1/2 Tbsp tahini (45). On and on it went. By Thursday I had added in exercise.

And by today I am down 10lbs in a week. It's hard to make yourself stop engaging in something addicting. It's even harder to stop when you don't want to. And why the hell would I want to stop when I just lost 10lbs in a week? Sure there is the slight problem of me purging my 175 calorie dinner earlier because I felt too full. Or the problem that I'm already dreaming about eating food not on my plan and feeling guilty when I wake up. Or the problem that I'm scared to eat over 300 calories, even though I know that is not sustainable for when school starts. But these problems, they take a back seat to my ED. It has gotten me through so much. I don't know how I managed so long without it. And just like that I can no longer see my life without my ED pulling me through it.

One week. That's all it took for me to fall completely back into every old habit I had. I didn't just fall down the rabbit hole, I dove. Head first.

x